The weather has been terrible, the days are as dark as what the nights should be, I am constantly battling to avert an adrenal crisis by ramming more steroids down my throat and trying to focus on how lucky I am....... Sometimes it's pretty hard!
Last March the trio I sing with (as mentioned in previous blog) bought out an Album for Many Tears Animal Rescue. Now the nights are cold and depressing we thought we'd get back in the studio again. Sounds posh and fun. It can be. But it's hard work. For someone like myself who can busk along to practically anything I don't know why but I suffer from 'red light fever'. The minute I'm counted in to record you can guarantee that a wrong note is produced, or if I get as far as the last few bars I mess up the ending. This isn't helped because even though it's only the three of us it still uses adrenaline and I can't replace it as quickly as I'm using it so tire a lot quicker than the other two! On the whole they are incredibly patient with me (more so than I am!!) but I know that it must be really frustrating on occasions and I'm grateful that they put up with me and the obstacles that get in the way. They are 2 special people.
For the last 5 weeks we've had a litter of eight pups in our house. Their mum was rescued by Many Tears and they all came here. When the babes were 4 weeks old their mum went on strike and decided under no circumstances what so ever was she going to feed them anymore. She'd done her bit and I can't blame her. She didn't have much milk and had been struggling. We weaned the pups (probably quicker than normal but it had to be done) and they are all thriving but the sad thing is, 2 have pretty limited vision. They are now 7 1/2 weeks old and looking for forever homes to go to when they are old enough (in a week or so) but to see the 2 with visual problems find their way around our living room as they remember where every bit of furniture is and where the toy box is, is rather emotional. These pups will never know any different but what will life be like for them? I can only hope and pray that the family that applies for them and get the go ahead will look after them and treasure all the special little moments throughout the dogs life like you would a child. If I could keep them I would. If I kept them it would mean not fostering dogs anymore. Can I justify not helping anymore dogs to help one dog whose perfect home could be out there somewhere? It's an argument I have with myself all the time. The problems incurred with a large litter (8 isn't that big for a large breed but big enough!) are often avoidable if breeding is responsible. Sadly with strays and pets who escape etc this isn't the case. We have no idea who the dad was or what conditions they were born in, the mum was incredibly thin and malnurished. The important thing now is these pups are happy. They have warmth and full tummy's, lots of toys and regular cuddles, they will have happy lives full of love.
We did a gig last night. It was a cracker. Great audience, lovely atmosphere and wonderful food. We didn't play too badly either!! So everything in my life appears to be coming together yet I can't get my head into the 'feel good' bit. Once upon a time in the days before depression set in (there were days!!) I could seperate the bad bits from the good and focus on the positive.
Today was a really hard day. I think part of the diffficulty I have is accepting that it's hard because I did a gig last night and I'm paying for it now. So many people read my Facebook page or see me out and think that it's better, not realising that yes I attended a session or did a gig but that was the only thing I did for 3 days apart from sleep and take pills. Having spent most of today fighing off having to be admitted to hospital with Adrenal Crisis and putting Mum and Alan through hell I at last succumbed and took extra medication. Tablets scare me. I don't have a problem swallowing them, I do have a problem with the long term effects that they have on people physically. The short term ones have been hard enough to get my head round. I've never been the prettiest girl in the class and to go from the weight I was to it increasing by 3 stone in as many months is really difficult to deal with. People say you can be fat and happy..... I'd like to hear from you please and tell me how!!?? I will accept that I would rather be the size I am at the moment and be able to move than be a size ten and be on a zimmer frame, how ever there should be a happy medium somewhere.
Having spent most of last week sorting out my bedroom so that I could relocate upstairs allowing us room to foster MORE pups and dogs (helping my dream of running a dog rescue come true) I realised that I can't manage the stairs like I thought. Within three trips up and down I was needing to lay down with my feet higher than my head and swallow Hydrocortisone tablets like they were smarties. No it's not because I was unfit, it was just the physical action of packing each box and carrying it up the stairs. Something which I would have taken for granted only not so long ago. Now I have the problem of sleeping downstairs but having my clothes upstairs! Luckily I have a very understanding mother who is in the process of helping me try to decide..... do I continue to move things upstairs to help more dogs but do it slower or, or I bring everything back down? In the meantime she helps me by getting my clothes (already moved up) and bringing them down. I couldn't function without her or Alan, something which many people may think I take for granted but not one single day goes by when that is something that I do realise. How lucky I am to have them. As things get darker in my mind I try to focus on the good bits, I can hear a flock of seagull type noises from the living room, it's the pups tea time. Their body clock is more reliable than big ben. I know then that it will be puppy cuddle time and there is nothing more therapeutic (apart from playing music) than having an innocent, disabled (yet not because they know no different) pup fall asleep on your lap making little snuffle noises. If there is anyone out there able to offer a rescue dog a home, please do. It's hard work, it's frustrating, it's heart breaking but the rewards out weight it all. Go on, give a rescue dog a home.
My LATEST panic is at the age of 28, I used to be full of energy, although never terribly accademic very career driven, I knew where I wanted to be but, where am I and where am I heading? I have a younger sister who always appeared so laid back not caring where life was taking her who now owns her own house and is climbing the career ladder. I'm treading water to get from morning to night and mulling over where the heck things went wrong. I think I've just hit the nail on the head, perhaps if I looked to the future and if I do find myself looking bac focus on what I HAVE achieved things would look start to seem more positive and tomorrow is a new day. I blame the time year..... Tis the season to be jolly my a**e :-D
p.s This is being 'published' as a stream of consiousness...... all errors gramatical and typo's will be corrected shortly
No comments:
Post a Comment