riding -the crest of life!

It comes to something when you make an appointment with a GP and get a feeling of almost relief when blood tests come back abnormal, having been so convinced for so long that I was/am imagining things it was almost a weight off my shoulders to see in black and white that there was 'scientific' evidence that there was something wrong.  Why should I need this?  Why couldn't I be happy with looking at alternative therapies and diets and exercise and sleep patterns and anything else that people were prepared to offer and suggest.  I'd tried them.  It didn't work.  The theory that a little exercise helps improve a state of mind and increases endorphines and helps you to be able to build up to doing more exercise wasn't working.  I would shuffle 100yards down the road and back and then sleep.  If I managed more than that I was in bed for the next day.  It must have been as frustrating for my mother and friends as it was agony for me because to try and explain why you can or can't do something very basic (put the hoover round) without sounding like a majoy hyperchondriac as there was no apparant reason is very difficult.

For years I was ambitious and I wanted to be out there working, preferably with animals.  I'd done an NVQ level 2 in Equine Studies at pembrokeshire college and loved every moment of it.  I was lucky to have the chance to work in a volunteer basis at the yard on the days that I wasn't in college so it meant that although I got the good bits, riding, lunging, theory etc I also learnt the hard way that in the work place it's about speed as well as effiency and safety.  Something which college alone doesn't teach you!  With over 25 horses to muck out there wasn't much time to stand around discussing the weekends social life, but that didn't bother me.  I was outside and it was heaven.  In fact I didn't want to talk to people.  I didn't go out much at weekends and people on the whole found it hard to find common ground with me.  Unless it was music or animals. The idea of being in an office based environment filled me with dread.  I've never been a people's person, at one point it being questionned as to whether I was on the 'aspergers scale' (if that's the correct term) I was able to write what I wanted to get across, I was able to communicate well with animals but all fell apart when it came to relationships with people.  On occasions I would be able to take a guess at a social 'interaction' and get it right, other times would fail terribly, the problem was that although unnoticed by many (apart from doctors) it was noticable to me.  I had a time table for each day of the week, everything was stuck to when it was meant to happen and everything was fine.  When/if it changed my whole life (in my head) was thrown into disarray and I had no idea how to cope. 

Today I had a realy eye opening experience when I realised how trapped I am in a world where I've become so reliant on 2 people to ensure that I have any form of social life at all that as soon as that is removed, I have nothing.  It's something which I could be very grateful for, it's also something that can be terrifying that in this day and age it is allowed to happen.  I'm 28 and have no means of getting from a to b without the help of someone.  That's ok, there are plenty of people out there who can't drive, I was unable to take to take me tablets on waking because I'd slept in and it took all of Alan's weight to support mine while I took my medication very patiently administered by him. The feeling of complete reliance and helplessness on my part is so hard to deal with, the loss of dignity and not knowing when or how to get it back. Just making it down the stairs but not finding the strength to fill a kettle of water to make a cup of tea I stagger back to bed. So many plans in my mind, wanting to do so much, all these achievements in my head yet knowing that for another day they are out of reach. Knowing that if one person decides that they’re not doing music anymore or another decides they’re not taking the dogs for a walk means that I’m stuck unable to do either of them either. It’s the type of thing East Enders producers relish in and people think that it doesn’t happen. It does….. people with physical illnesses are driven mentally ill by the treatment of medics and the way people around them are trained to behave. To try and maintain any form of relationship with people takes effort, time and energy. I don’t have excess of energy to spend it on others and I’ve done my best to hold it all together for as long as I can but the time has come to do my best to look forward and see what changes can be made, widening my social circle, getting out more without people. Telling people where I’m going but no worrying about their reaction or what they think. To be told that I can’t go here there or where ever is NOT my problem, I have to learn it’s the problem of those who don’t want me to go there for their own reasons/fears. When I’m well, I’m free.

I look back at the days I spent at the riding stables and walking the dogs and going to the gym, playing music 4 times a week, going to London and I can’t even imagine it was the same person. I was happy, laughter surrounded me and I loved life, everything had an almost odd glow to it, I had seizures but they were ok, they were going to be cured soon.   I just try and keep focussed that perhaps, just perhaps that person will be back and that if they’re not, at least I got to experience it. More than some people will but for my own sanity I have to hang onto the hope that that person will be back and that once things are better, I’ll be free from the torture that is stuck in my head. From Alan’s, I try to put a brave face on to get back to my house and see my mum but in reality I want to curl up until it's all over. I've never been able to understand alcoholics or drug addicts but for the first time I want to be able to escape. I don't want to die, that's too final, at the moment I can still see some positives but there are times when I want to take what-ever I can to just sleep through it all until I wake up and it's better. It doesn't work that way though. I'm stuck in a body that is unable to do what I want it to with a brain that doesn't function the way it used to. I cannot begin to imagine what could potentially be another six decades of this (if I were to live to my 80’s!)

What some people appear to either blank out or forget, or perhaps it doesn’t occur to them is that when they can’t cope with my frustrations they can walk away, they can go to the beach with the dogs, go to the shops or, walk out and go home. Driving along today we passed 2 beaches. One of them my bolt hole, I loved it there, used to spend days there as a child and love walking the dogs along there. It hasn’t been an option recently, one, I can’t walk the distance of the beach but the other, no one else has wanted to go.

I take some kind of hopeful prayer that one day I too will pick up my car keys, turn round and tell everyone where I’m going. Not be the one sat on my bed overhearing everyone else’s plans. Or listening to them planning what I too will have for dinner that night before what ever it is that’s happening. I am physically and mentally exhausted today, I can’t see anyway out but if there is, I know I will forge a career and a life of my own away from here. I would like to think that in the next couple of months my cortisol levels will be stabilised enough to go and help at an animal rescue for a few days where I can put some space between myself and the situation I’m in and get things into perspective. Perhaps things won’t seem so bad and prison like, or perhaps it will confirm my ‘fears’ but at least one way or another I will know that action needs to be taken. At times like this I do wish for a crystal ball!!  

I don’t know why I feel so alone, sad – rock bottom. People use the term 'depressed' 'down' 'miserable' so much these that often people don't even notice the difference in the words.  It's about time people realised that Depression can be as terminal as Cancer or any other life threatening condition unless the underlying cause (WHAT EVER) it is, is treated.  To some extent it IS in people's control (unlike other illnesses) but it needs treating.  When you've spent 15 years banging on doors of Doctors asking them for  help, being referred to mental health teams who say it's something physical who then send you back to the medics (and each appointment takes  minimum of 6months wait) who then decide you need extra tests and refer you to somewhere else but in the meant time, because they've taken blood tests and told you that an appointment will be posted out that's the statistic dealt with.  I'm ticked off their registar as far as the NHS is concerned, I've been seen and it's great.  Blood pressure taken, Weight Taken, Blood tests done, follow up appointment made with another department (just to get another opinion) and that's it.... targets reached.  I am sent on my way shuffling out of the hospital to try and resume some sense of normality while the Consultant sees his next patient.  I cannot cope.  It's like living in a real life nightmare just treading water to keep breathing because there is no where to turn to.  Depressed is not an attention seeking word to use, it's not a way of getting sympathy, it is the most horrific mind and soul emcompossing feeling of no hope, no help and no future. My back is excruciating (another kidney infection) and I’m aching. Last night I believed today was going to be so wonderful, I’m sure it could have been. Sadly it wasn’t but tomorrow is a new day and a new beginning….. or is it different day same s**t? I guess it depends on the state of mind. I hope for your sake as well as mine that mine has improved by then!!