things change too fast

Ok so it was only the day before yesterday that I updated you but so much happens so fast in this life of music, drugs and rescue dog world!

First of all I'm pleased to say that physically I feel a lot better, having gone from feeling like I was going to die (nothing like a bit of drama ey?) on Sunday to being certain of it yesterday, I'm feeling on the mend today. All because I missed one dose of medication on Saturday.  Madness.  Or at least it is to me so heck know's what it must appear to others.  I didn't realise that missing one dose of steroids meant I would play catch up for a few days especially having used so much cortisol and adrenaline during the gig I played on Saturday.  I'm hoping that with another good night's sleep and doing nothing tomorrow I will be even better come Thurday.  The problem is as soon as I feel better I do more, then I set myself back again.  The symptoms being exhaustions and cramps with sweats being the last and dangerous bit people can't always see what is happening so although I can say I don't feel well, I need to go home etc, it's normally only when the sweats start that the 'panic' sets in and it's suggested that we 'pack up and go'.  I can understand this but by then it's really difficult as it's nearly impossible for me to put one foot in front of the other.

Today was mostly spent sleeping inbetween waking up we through with sweat but at least I was able to sleep and not feel bad about it.  It gets to the point where I feel guilty for sleeping when I know I should be doing other things, this in turn keeps me awake, then I get ill and need more medication and more sleep..... vicious circle!! Today was one of those 'live for the moment' days when I managed it.  Laying on my back I realised how comfy I was and that there was absolutely nothing that needed doing that couldn't wait and that although I felt quite poorly I was warm and the horrible feelings would pass.  It's been a very long time since I've been able to get into that mind set and it's not easy but it does help.  Addisons  is a condition which I am still trying really hard to get my head round.  Having been diagnosed with epilepsy for so many years I thought that was hard but inbetween seizures I was fine, now as it turns out it could easily have been my adrenal glands failing that were causing those fits and there ISN'T any time when I feel fine, although i'm hoping to be able to reach the calm state of mind I acheived today more often.

Changing the subject, quite dramatically when I started helping in the 'world of rescue' dogs I went into it with an incredibly short sighted vision of the type of people we would be likely to meet.  The type who are kind, understanding, want to help animals, want the world to be a better place.... a bit like the Miss World competitions I guess but without the bikini's.  What a wake up call it was and continues to be.  We are fairly fortunate (although there are moments) with the rescue we help with but like in all walks of life there are people that you get  on with and those you don't.  But, don't judge people through facebook or forums.  Get to know them properly or if you have nothing pleasant to say then don't.  If someone posted something I didn't agree with and I didn't like it but it wasn't harming anyone, I'd just ignore it but over the last few months I've had messages from people who should have their mouths gaffer taped and they should have to ask permission before they are allowed near a computer.

Everyone has their problems in one way or another, some are open about them, others aren't.  I try not to 'go on' about mine but being such a rare condition (one in 4,500ish) and a potentially very suddenly fatal one I feel that if I can help just one person feel that they're not alone then it's worth it.  As I sit here wondering whether or not to attend a local music session I have to take into consideration that it's a 40minute journey there, 3 hours playing (on and off) 40 minute drive back, the carrying of my cello into the building and that's AFTER I've found the energy to get out of bed, showered, dressed and eat food.  All things which I took for granted for so long now have to be planned to military timings with my tablets and how long each dose will last because if it runs out while I'm trying to do something I'm completley stuck.  Water (sweat) pouring out of my ears, nose, eyes, forehead, calf muscles and anywhere else you can think of but the icey coldness and being completely incapable of getting warm is the worst feeling.

People continue to reassure me that it's wonderful now that they know what they're dealing with, well maybe when i'm on the correct dose of drugs and can start to lead the type of life I had before I'll be able to see where they're coming from.  There are still some days when I struggle but today has been good.  I've not acheived anything, but i've had moments of struggling during the day, rather than a really bad day with the odd good bit.  Things are on the up.

We have 2 pups with applications for their forever homes in.  It's Tuesday, they don't go out on the 'run' to spread about the country until Sunday so who knows who else could be applied for.  It would mean the world to me to see these pups through to their forever homes.  I hope who ever is fortunate enough to foster them realises how much we love them and the reason why we are prepared to pass them to other fosterers is to free up space to help more dogs....... not to pass them on.  It's really difficult. They've been here since before their eyes opened.  Now at the cheeky 7 1/2 week old stage they are adorable.  Every dog we've had through here we've treated as our own, loved and nutured it until the right home has come along.  As much as I know these people love dogs, how do I know they'll pick the right home?  I know deep down that it will all be fine and will all work out for the best, it just may take longer.

Signing off now as starting to flag but even so.......

A slightly happier

Steph